Thursday, February 10, 2011

Who was that girl?

Do you ever look at pictures of yourself and ponder, "What was I thinking, wearing those hot-pants!?" or "Why did they allow cameras in Las Vegas!?"?

Well, I had a different experience tonight, one that made me take a sober look inside myself.

I started clicking through my Facebook profile pictures. They're in chronological order, so from the moment I put my first profile picture up, until today's...they're all there. You would have to be lying to say you couldn't notice a HUGE change in my body. Those pictures range from when I was at my heaviest (+85 lbs ago) to today.

Normally that would be cause for celebration, right? I've lost so much weight! I'm thin! I run races!

That's not at all what was barreling through my head.

"Who is that girl?"

"How did I not know how unhealthy I was?"

"No wonder I wasn't happy."

Obviously I have a lot of issues to work through. Self loathing is one of them. I have never liked myself. I always told myself, "If I just lose this weight- if I just make it through school- after we're married", well it's all come and gone and I'm still feeling this way.

I feel healthier than I ever have in my entire life. Why am I still such a disappointment to me?

The answer? ...

I have no idea.

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