Thursday, July 23, 2009

Yelling at God.

My surroundings do not reflect my state of mind.

When I'm at peace and things are going smoothly, many times that's when my house/car/family is slightly disheveled and messy!

Right house is perfectly squared away.

I can't think without my heart racing. I can't close my eyes without seeing bills that need to be paid, people that need to be called, appointments that need to be made. The list goes on and on.

On the other hand. I feel closer to God than I have in a great while. Ever since we found out we were moving, I've had an overwhelming sense of peace about it. Jeff quit his job in TX, we found and secured renters after we gave our notice, we even packed everything...but we didn't have any money to move! We couldn't afford a moving van, nothing! I just kept hearing God's still small voice telling me that He had a plan, this would work out. I felt tremendous peace. Of course, we sold the truck the day before we were supposed to go pick up our moving van and moved 2 days later.

This whole journey to CA from TX has been a leap of faith. Every day I feel my panic creeping up on me and then when I stop letting my thoughts crowd my head and just cry out to Jesus...

I feel peace.

Yesterday I hit my breaking point. Taylor needs a check up and her shots before we can even register her for Kindergarten. We don't have insurance, and can't afford the doctor's visit. I was standing in my kitchen and I just started to cry.

"Jesus, WHY!?" I sobbed.

"Why do You make it so hard to trust You!?"

I heard Him tell me to get down on my knees. I did it. I felt a burden lift from my soul. Nothing miraculous happened when I knelt down, but I think He just wanted me to prostrate myself and stop trying to do everything for Him.

So. This is a new chapter in my life. I'm going to be the woman He wants me to be. I'm going to trust Him. When I don't feel like I can, I'll lay myself at His feet and tell Him so. I strongly believe in coming to God as you are, telling Him EXACTLY what you're thinking and feeling. He knows our thoughts, so why try to be polite when it's not how we feel!?

Go to Him. Tell Him how you feel.

Do it now.

1 comment: